Master Elök Etrelpa’s Report and Assessment


Report by Master Elök Etrelpas Of The Elders, Deputy Archivist of The Scrollhouse At Ämetatilelël, Realm of Ën Ümel.


Background: three days preceding the holy day of St. Ïpït, Hrënd Laklo, son of Ilkren Laklo, claims to have discovered a bag of items nearby the pond of an abandoned farmhouse a day’s ride outside of Äkulel.

The bag reportedly contained a range of “magical items”, including a Robe, that Laklo frothily described as “rare” and “Divine”, gloves, presumably made of dragonskin, a ring, made of Titanium, which Laklo characterized as “absolutely perfect”, and a wand made of what appears to be bones of canine origin, such as a wolf or a fox, though Laklo inexplicably insists on it being “clearly of the Fox”. The bag contained some other items which this report will not bother to expand on, as we shall find that the nature of the items is anything but what Laklo claims they are, and we have a more parsimonious explanation for the bizarre series of events that did indeed seem to occur on that day.

Robe: This report does not deny the existence of so-called “magical robes”, even though the vast majority of them are nothing more than expensive and ostentatious clothing. This is not the case with the Robe in question, which is in fact a genuine article of magical power. It is not, however, a particularly powerful item, and its effects are mostly limited to making the wearer look more attractive and commanding.

Gloves: These are, as Laklo correctly surmised, made of dragonskin, and are thus quite valuable. They are not, however, magical, and their only purpose is to protect the hands of the wearer from cold weather.

Ring: This is indeed a titanium ring, yet we do not share the assessment of “perfection”, given the limited epistemological meaningfulness of such an assessment.

As for the events that followed Laklo’s discovery, we will first attempt to summarize these from a purely perceptual point of view, in other words, as it must have appeared to the rather simple minds of the witnesses on that day.

Upon opening the bag, Laklo first took out the ring and put it on his finger. He then proceeded to put the Robe on, and take out the bone wand, at which point he said some words in a language that no one present could understand. Laklo then appeared to have started to emanate a sort of glow, and his eyes turned “orange”. He then levitated off the ground and started to float around the area of the pond.

From the perspective of those who witnessed these events, it would have appeared as if Laklo had indeed discovered a bag of magical items, and that these items had imbued him with magical powers.

However, we must remember that Laklo is a known pathological liar, and that he has been known to invent stories in order to garner attention. In light of this, it is more likely that Laklo simply put on a show, using mundane items to create the illusion of magical powers.

The most likely explanation for the glowing and levitation is that Laklo used some kind of light source, such as a lantern, to create the illusion of magical powers. As for the orange eyes, this is most likely due to Laklo wearing paint on his eyelids.

It is also worth noting that Laklo’s story changes depending on who he is speaking to. For example, he told the farmers that the Robe made him feel “divine and special", as if he "had been granted special access to commune with others of similar standing”, yet he told the Elders that the Robe made him feel “as if I could fly”. It is clear that Laklo is simply making up stories as he goes along, and that he is not to be believed.

Further, Laklo has no magical experience or credentials whatsoever, and is not registered with any known guild of sorcery within the Realm, so even if he had indeed found a bag of magical items, it is inconceivable that he would have any idea how to use them.

We should also not make the mistake of not carefully examining the merit of our witnesses, as they are, for the most part, farmers with little to no education, and whose testimony must thus be taken with a grain of salt. For example, the shepherd Röplin Hlarbert, when questioned by Master Flololömen on the very evening of the day of the event, was unaware of the role of The Archive’s Elders, and mistook Master Flololömen for a “scribe or a monk".

His wife, Lïsbren Hlarbert, even called Master Flololömen a “moronic codger” when he found her to be completely unable to bring her outrageous testimony in line with the Third Ontic Principle. Their boy, Fërdin Hlarbert, was the only one of the three who seemed to be telling the truth with respect to a complete absence of magic in the matter, though his testimony is nevertheless too confused to be of investigative value, claiming that Laklo’s “floating around” did indeed not involve anything magical, as he was “simply flying like birds do, which have no magic to them either”.

In conclusion, it is the opinion of this report that the events of Middleday the Fifteenth, as related by Hrënd Laklo and witnesses, are to be considered apocryphal, and that the items in question are nothing more than mostly mundane objects with negligible magical powers. This report therefore recommends that no further public investigation be made into the matter of the event itself, and the items be kept in the Archive’s vault to avoid any further mischaracterization of their nature.

Lastly, and unfortunately, it must be noted that some items seem to have been stolen or lost in the aftermath of the investigation. Specifically, the bone wand, the robe and the ring seem to have gone missing sometime between the original event and the subsequent delivery of the entire bag to the Archive by Master Flololömen. It is our opinion that they were clearly stolen by one of the witnesses or even Hrënd Laklo himself, which is further corroborated by the fact that Laklo seems to have gone missing himself after his interrogation.

We recommend that a search be made for Hrënd Laklo and the missing items, and that he be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law if found guilty of theft.